Memoirs
by starooo
Summary: Because now, when he thought of her, they would only be vague images like ashes drifting in the wind, all hope's gone and he's got nothing to hold onto to. BasedonChap139


**Disclaimer: **I don't own Gakuen Alice, I wish I did though, so I can have Shiki Masachika and Ruka Nogi to myself. ;)

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**Memoirs**

_I'd like to thank _**mishaa **_for proof-reading this while I go on spazzing about _Shiki, Hani _and _Harry Potter_!_

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There were times when Shiki Masachika found himself dazing off, thinking of the time when he was still happy. Before all of these _godddamn _Alice wars, the lies, betrayal and pain and horror of it all.

Come to think of it, when was it? It seemed so long ago; _so _long that he couldn't even remember anything. If he did (—_ if he did, it would only be faded memoirs) _he would feel numb and they would seem like distant thoughts happening in another world.

He grew tired of all this.

He'd gone through _so _much he just couldn't feel anything anymore. And when he thought everything's gone and over, Yuka Azumi comes along. When he first met Yuka, he was already smitten. But he was far too dangerous for her, so as much as he wanted to get close to her, he couldn't.

But in the end, he did.

And he didn't regret it. Yuka was just as troubled as he was, but she was the only girl who brought him back to his senses; she was there when he needed her and held him when he couldn't handle everything anymore. No one knew about this but her, Shiki was just as vulnerable as anyone else and she was all he could cling onto.

And so, that fateful night at the Alice Academy, when he saw her lying on the cold ground with her face worn out and her clothes soiled with the dirt and dust from the explosions, he thought, it was too late. As much as he tried to hide his consternation to her death, he couldn't. There was no one to hold onto anymore. No one to tell him everything's going to be alright just as long as they were together. He couldn't even remember the time when he handled everything alone. And now, it was all gone. Like ashes drifting in the wind.

He loved her and although she couldn't love him back, loving her was all that mattered. As long as he could protect her and help her fulfil that wish she made to herself years ago, it didn't matter if she didn't love him back.

But it was too late.

He could remember holding her dead body while the Alice war was going on. His heart grew weary seeing her so dull and lifeless in his arms and he couldn't even do anything about it. All he could do was make the things she would've wanted to do if she was still alive. And since now that he had failed to protect Yuka, as much as he wanted to, he couldn't promise himself to protect Mikan Sakura.

Because he would fail her just as he failed Yuka.

And whenever he remembered the night Yuka died, he would remember how he kissed her on the lips. It was quick and chaste. The kiss was nothing but regret and broken promises on her lips. It was bitter but he didn't mind. He loved her, he kept repeating to himself (—_or to the Yuka that now could only exist in a world far from theirs—in a world where there were no Alices but the people she loved; Kaoru and Izumi)_. But there was no turning back now.

And so the last thing he did was to finally set her free.

That was the only thing he could've done for her; for Yuka Azumi, freedom was walking through the gates of the Academy together with people she cared and loved for and although it was all over now, Shiki still did it knowing it would make justice for Yuka. For the now rested Yuka in his arms, the woman he had and would always love.

And just like before, whenever Shiki Masachika thought of the time when he was happy, he would often think of Yuka Azumi. Her smile, her way of assuring him that everything would be alright, the way he held her in his arms when she died and how he kissed her dirty, bombed lips.

Sometimes, he would find himself staring at the nothingness in the air and when he thought of her, he would reach out for the light, clinging onto it so desperately like he did to Yuka, but just like what she is now (—_gone and faded like the memoirs of the past) _he would grasp and clench at the air and hold onto nothing.

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**Author's Notes:**

Isn't Shiki so hot when he's heartbroken? After I finished reading the latest chapter of Gakuen Alice_, _I started spazzing about him non-stop! Ugh, anyway, when will these angst-filled stories of mine end? I'm actually going to update twice this month! I wish I'll be able to do it though, my bets are, I'd be too lazy to think of something this Christmas and just feast on whatever mouth-watering food there is on the table. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! :)

_starooo_


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